136
136 was posted on: Tuesday, October 18, 2011 @7:16:00 AM
A message to you.
Hari terakhir ku dapat melihat senyumanmu. Hari terakhir kamu melihat wajahku. Hari terakhir ku dapat mencium tanganmu untuk meminta maaf atas segala dosaku terhadapmu. Hari terakhir kami dapat menyambut Aidilfitri bersamamu. Hari terakhir ku dapat memeluk dirimu...
I can just go on listing. I can't help but cry every time I look at our last pictures together. I can't forgive myself for not being there with you when you were still conscious that very day you closed your eyes forever. I thought you still had time to wait for my presence. I will never forgive myself for that. I already know that your time was almost up however, somehow...just somehow it all happened too fast. The first night you were unconscious, I stayed overnight at the hospital. You were still holding on. I went home to shower and change and then came back. You were still holding on. I thought you'd be alright, so I went back home. I was sleeping when I received that phonecall from Ibu. I rushed down and out to hail a cab. I told the taxi driver to speed up a little. I tried as quickly as I could to try and reach there before your last breath. I was 4 plus minutes late. I still remember. If not for the lifts, and the doors I had to go through just to get to you, most probably I would have made it. But I didn't. And my heart just shattered when I waited for the last door to your bed to open. My heart just sank when Syafiqah told me that you just passed away. Kenapa Nenek tak tunggu Kakak? All I wanted was to be there till your last breath because I wasn't there when you last shut your eyes. I'm sorry that I'm the worst granddaughter among all. I know that, everyone else knows that. You weren't expecting me to turn out like this when I was younger but I did. However, I can feel that you still love me the same as much as you love the rest of your grandchildren. From that day on and until my last breath, I'm certain no matter what, I will never forgive myself that I wasn't there on the second night when I should be. Life's very different without you around. Sejahat-jahat Kakak, Kakak tak pernah lupa bacakan Nenek Al-Fateha sebelum Kakak tidur. That's the least I could do for you. Insya'allah in the near future to come, when I've re-learn my doa-doa and how to read them properly, I'll read them for you. I will pray for you when I've fixed my fucked up self. If you're wondering, I'm still the same old person I have always been. I'm sorry I've always been the black sheep. I know I've said more than a million times I would change but it's hard for me because I don't know. All I know, now that you're gone, it really has bloody opened my eyes. I'm trying my best now. Really. I still don't go home often, this will take a long time to change. It's harder now that you're not here, almost all days if I were to sleep at home, it's empty. I no longer see you on your bed watching TV. I no longer hear you say "Kak bangon kak sekolah," and then you'll shake me lightly. I'll no longer have anyone to salam and kiss before I go out. And I no longer have anyone to salam when I come home. (In case you readers don't know, whenever I come home, no matter the period of time I haven't been home, the only person that I salam is my grandmother. Not even my parents) I'm no longer in school. I know what I really want now. I've planned my own future, which no one knows about yet. I don't want to promise anything to anyone anymore. I'll make my own changes. Very slowly. Starting from scratch. I just got a job recently and this is where I start. I won't let you down, I will make your son and daughter in law, at least be proud of me for once. I love you, Nenek. I have lots to say but I think this on my blog is already enough.
When everyone else had given up on me, you were the only one who still believed in me. You were the only person Papa had to turn to because of me. If you were not here before, I'd be someplace else, not here. You were the only one who was against that one decision Papa almost made last time. You are the reason why Papa tried not to give up on me. You were the only one nek. Now that you're gone, I don't have anyone else. I will fulfill your last wish for me. I don't want to disappoint you. Slowly, I will. I miss you so much. The thought of you kills me inside softly. Knowing that you won't ever come back. Insya'allah kalau ada jodoh dengan Ariff, in the future, dia akan jaga Kakak macam mana Nenek nak dia jaga Kakak. ♥
Extracted from my facebook
So back on track... I fetched Baby from work yesterday and then we went to his house for him to wash up and change. I went to work by myself since his jeans weren't dry. Work was okay. It's been a long while since I had a job but I think I did quite good just now. Greeted every customer, eventhough often ignored, explain about the promotion we're having, eventhough some customers MNL, kept the place as neat as possible, started to familiarize myself to the products we're selling and where it is and what not. Had lunch all by myself at Long John's. Blablabla, while doing my stuff, my boyfriend walked in front of me with a cheeky smile. I've been smiling at people the whole day but when I saw him, I know that's when I smiled the widest. It was really sweet of him. Back to Pasir Ris to slack. I wanted to go home but the door was locked and I didn't bring my keys. I had a strong feeling that I had to but being the plain lazy me, I did not. In my fucking face. So we chilled with some friends and then headed back home. Oh yah, about work, I've been getting feedbacks from friends that the management is kinda fucked and some of the people are errr.... But Insya'allah I will try to put up with everything and just work. I've already promised myself not to get too close to any colleagues so that I would be able to work as per normal every working day. Baby's birthday is in less than a month, I hope that I would have enough money by then to celebrate it with him.
Err I don't think I have missed anything out so...yeah have a good week everyone. First day of Eid pictures are below. The last pictures with my late grandmother. :')
Only my photo was taken when we were seeking forgiveness from her.
