We had one of the worst fight ever last Saturday which apparently got me thinking until yesterday. Actually, I don't think I'll be able to stop.

I went out alone last night to think. I thought a lot about my past. I really honestly don't know what I'm doing to myself, my life. I honestly don't know what to do in the future. Sure I have plans but there's so many fucking things holding me down. I guess I won't be able to realise my dreams, I don't even think I'd be able to try to live my dream. I feel like I'm stuck and fucking lost.

Yeah sure I look happy. That's just because I choose to try to be happy. But I don't know. I think I lost control of myself last night. I feel so hopeless, helpless and fucking destroyed. Well maybe I am all that. Maybe. I do things to make other people happy. Not myself because I'd rather take the pain than watch them handle the pain. I hope I'm strong enough.